How to Set Boundaries to Create Sacred Space

Boundaries! This is a HUGE topic in therapy, and I don’t think I’ve worked with one long-term client where there hasn’t been some focus on boundaries. Our ability to feel that we need them, set them, and maintain them hinges on what we have witnessed and been taught about healthy relationships. Often when we’ve had a childhood with either porous or rigid boundaries, we feel lost at the prospect of creating a loving space with firm boundaries that protect us. We see boundaries everywhere in the natural world: Mountains separating our land, thorns on a rose bush, the banks of a river, bark on a tree. Yet again, mother nature comes to provide a model for healthy relationships. She is an expert on boundary setting. 

Setting Boundaries with our Intuitive Wisdom as Women

There are specific boundary-related challenges for women in our society. The deep wisdom of our bodies is not trusted as a viable source of knowledge by the patriarchy, which is preposterous. Our bodies are the first place we feel the need for a boundary. As women, our menstrual cycles teach us when to rest, when to move, when to cry, and when to slowwwww down. Our bodies send us clear boundaries to pause or move depending on what we need. We have deep access to intuition, the compass for the necessary boundaries in our individual worlds, which then expands to our community. Sometimes we don’t need to make that extra dollar, to work that extra hour, or collect the next accolade, but we do it because that’s how we are rewarded in America. What if we let the natural boundaries that rise to the surface of our consciousness be known when we feel them? What if we said “NO” to our achievement-oriented society and listened to the strong still voice telling us to rest? 

Why are Boundaries Important?

Boundaries help us to define who we are. They are meant to be firm, not too rigid and not too flimsy. The tricky thing is that the boundaries shift and change depending on who we are interacting with and what situations we are in. We must deeply listen to our still, strong voice inside to know what we need. Boundaries protect us from energy-sucking situations and other forms of harm in our lives. They serve as the borders of our inner sanctuary where we hold our wildest dreams and most tender moments. Boundaries keep us safe and help our loved ones feel safe as well. We set up a fence to protect our dog from running away, and put the child proof latches on the cupboards so our toddlers can’t get the cleaning solution. We tell our partners that we need space so we do not snap at them. 

How Do We Know We Need a Boundary?

Your body is a compass, actually the ultimate guide and truthteller. Women have a deep and natural access to their intuition even though we are told to focus on the logical aspect of things so much. This logical perspective is valuable and necessary to make grounded decisions. However, our intuition is vast and wise and far more all encompassing that our logical brain can comprehend. Our emotions will tell us when we need a boundary in a relationship. Our body will tell us when we need a warmer coat (Yes, this is another boundary). Our anxiety will keep us awake at night letting us know that we need distance from that bothersome coworker. Discomfort in our system can often indicate that we need a boundary. 

Protecting our Inner Sanctuary

It’s one thing to know we need a boundary, but a whole different challenge to set one. When leading women in therapy, I focus on building trust in somatic (body-based) sensations. Everything you need is within you, and I would love to work with you to uncover the various layers or blocks that might be standing in the way of the boundaries you desire.