Performance Anxiety and Imposter Syndrome

I have always loved playing music. I started playing violin at the age of 7, and watched my parents court the elusive perfectionism that is so prevalent in the classical music world. I was sent many messages, some encouraging and some fueling the future of imposter syndrome. These messages told me that I had to be perfect, and that there would always be someone “better” than me, and that this fact mattered. Then, I decided to major in music in college. Unfortunately, I hadn’t found a good therapist at this point in the game, and I was crushed by every criticism, and flattened by other’s successes. My inner critic slandered any misstep I made, whether it be one wrong note, or not being as “good” as the next 18 year old. I was not being fueled by the fire of determination and passion and curiosity, which is what creative dreams are made of. I was not being fueled at all, but simply caving in on myself in a puddle of anxiety and self-doubt. I stopped playing music for a while, frozen by the negative thoughts and criticisms, 95% coming from the internalized beliefs I had picked up in childhood. Then, after years of therapy and becoming a therapist myself, I picked up the fiddle again, and allowed my vocal chords to unstick and strengthen. Now, I am a professional musician and therapist. The work of stepping into my musician identity was less about the technical musical skills, and more about the trauma work and believing my voice was worth being heard. Feeling like an imposter is a painful human experience. The debilitating effects sometimes freeze us in our tracks when we are doing what we were meant to do. Relaxing the nervous system, and reframing old stories can provide immense relief.

The Comparison Trap

When I work with performance anxiety of any sort, I find that the body is the center of wisdom. We feel all of our emotions in the body first before our brain says, “hey! We are feeling anxious right now.” Getting familiar with the body’s reactions relating to comparison to others can help us slow down the moment, soothe ourselves, and then see the bigger picture. 

Picture this: A woman is getting ready to go on a first date. She has picked out the outfit, said the affirmations in the mirror, and driven to the coffee shop to meet her date. Before she gets out of the car, she is walloped in the head with a thought, “there are so many more attractive women out there. Why would this person ever want me?” Perhaps she had a relationship where a partner was unfaithful to her, and she internalized this event, swallowing beliefs about herself. This made her think that every other woman was more attractive, funny, engaging, and that she wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship. In her mind, she was an imposter before she left the car.

Slowing Down the Body to Listen to the Internal Beliefs

She takes a moment to scan her body. She feels a tightening on her chest, her palms feel sweaty, and her eyebrows are knitted together in concern. All of these somatic reactions are very common in situations that can invoke performance anxiety (a branch of social anxiety). When she takes that moment to notice her body before she steps into the limelight of her first date, she has opened a portal of opportunity. Not only has she received the information that she needs a moment to calm her nervous system, she knows that there is something triggering her. This is where the imposter syndrome thoughts can be linked to these somatic reactions. With calming techniques that work for her, she can relax enough to think clearly in a minute or two. 5-10 belly breaths later, and this woman has relaxed her facial muscles and chest, and her palms feel less slick. Now that the body is calm, her mind has some clarity. Now she engages her brain, reminding herself that she did not cause her past partner to cheat on her and that she is worthy of love and connection. 

The Journey Home to Ourselves

I find that it is very difficult to take in reassurance from our logical brain when our body is in a state of distress. This woman going on a date is one of many examples of a performative situation where imposter syndrome can rear its unforgiving head. Moving back into my own story of imposter syndrome related to music, I also found that compassion and play saved me from my internalized beliefs. Not only did I seek trauma therapy, I found the culture of jam bands. I embraced my free and hippie-esqu nature that stays with me as I live my soul purpose today. This culture of acceptance and freedom eventually saved me from the comparison trap that fueled my imposter syndrome. I am not suggesting that everyone with imposter syndrome listen to the Grateful Dead. I am suggesting that compassion, connection and community can help us see our brilliance and let go of the idea that we need to compare ourselves to others. Therapy for anxiety helps us move toward our purpose, let go of comparison and to focus on our own soul.